The Peace That Comes When You Stop Pretending
Image courtesy of Adobe Stock.
by Thomas Detert — Certified High Performance Coach
A Moment of Perspective
I was standing in the coatroom of a downtown hotel in Toronto, attending a continuing education course for dentists.
Nothing unusual about that — a bunch of professionals gathered to learn, trade stories, sip coffee. But something caught my eye: my well-worn Walmart parka hanging beside a row of $1,000 Canada Goose coats.
It made me smile. Not because I judged anyone, but because ten or twenty years ago, I probably would’ve been the guy wondering if I should own one too.
I walked through the lobby, watching luxury cars pull into the underground garage — the quiet ballet of people showing the world how well they’re doing. And I thought:
Are they any happier?
Any more at peace?
Do they feel at home in their own skin?
Because I’ve learned something over time — there’s a difference between living well and looking like you are.
The Illusion of “Having It All Together”
When we’re young, we chase the idea of what success is supposed to look like.
We think it’s measured by the house, the car, the vacations, the brand names.
But life has a way of teaching you otherwise.
You hit a few walls. You lose people you love. You burn out trying to please everyone. And somewhere along the line, you realize that peace doesn’t come from polish.
It comes from presence.
It’s not about how sharp your clothes are — it’s about how still your soul is.
The Weight of Pretending
There’s a quiet exhaustion that comes from pretending.
Pretending you’re okay when you’re not.
Pretending you’re further ahead than you feel.
Pretending you don’t care what anyone thinks — when deep down, you do.
The trouble is, the more you perform, the less you know who you really are. You lose the sound of your own voice under all the noise of trying to keep up.
I know, because I’ve been there — smiling through burnout, holding it all together for the sake of appearances, even when I was running on fumes inside.
It took years — and some hard truth — to realize that the image of success can become a prison if you never stop to ask who you’re doing it for.
The Freedom of Authenticity
These days, I care less about impressing people and more about expressing what’s real.
Real is showing up as yourself, without apology.
Real is saying, “I don’t need to prove anything today.”
Real is buying the coat that keeps you warm — not the one that keeps up appearances.
There’s peace in that. A deep, quiet kind of peace that money can’t buy.
You stop competing and start connecting. You stop worrying about being liked and start focusing on being whole.
And that shift — that movement from performance to presence — changes everything.
The Wisdom of Midlife
Something happens as you pass fifty. You start shedding skins that never fit you right anyway.
The need to impress fades. The opinions of others matter less. You begin to trust your own compass more.
You stop chasing the next big thing and start savoring the small things: your morning coffee, a walk in the woods, the warmth of a wood stove on a cold night.
You start realizing that the best things in life don’t shout — they whisper.
And in that stillness, you begin to hear your authentic self again — the one who was there all along, waiting for you to stop pretending.
A Reflection for You
Ask yourself:
Where in my life am I performing instead of being?
What could I let go of if I stopped caring how it looks to others?
What would feel like peace right now?
If you can answer those questions honestly, you’re already halfway home.
Final Thoughts
We spend so much of our early lives chasing identity — trying to be “someone.”
But the real journey, the one worth taking, is about peeling all that back until you finally return to yourself.
The truth is simple: authenticity doesn’t need an audience.
The peace that comes when you stop pretending — that’s the quiet victory of growing older, wiser, and freer.
Tom’s Life After 50 is about exactly that: learning to live on your own terms.
Not to prove anything.
Not to impress anyone.
But to wake up each day feeling comfortable in your own skin, content with who you’ve become, and grateful for the simple, honest life you’ve built.